Bloggers, article writers, they love to put a number in front of their titles to suck people in. Look—the list is succinct! It’s Finite. Verified. Easy to grasp! The weird thing is, this tactic works. I do not have a list of the ten best ideas in the whole world, I just wanted to see if my title grabbed anyone’s attention. (Note disclaimer wink by girl in image.)
Do you feel cheated? I’m sorry. A girl just wants to have fun. But to make you feel better, I will give you a list of stuff that pisses me off. Not exactly inspirational, but here we go.
Titles that suck you in proclaiming they have the answers to your problems. Top 10! 13 Best! 36 Ideas That will Change Your life! You have the general idea. As I stated, this tactic definitely works, but I hate myself for being so easy to persuade.
Dr. Phil. How many damn commercials and self promotions can you pack into an hour of programming! How many times do we have to hear the theme music, Phil? I was so irritated, I once timed this. (What a sad day!) The ratio was intended for maximum advertising dollars and promotion, not for time focusing on the actual, highly promoted story. Sorry, kid! I know you’ve been abused all your life and all hell is raining down on you, but my son wrote a book about the 10 Best Ways to Improve Your Self Esteem. I’m going to take this three-minute block of air time to tell you, and everyone else, how wonderful my son and his book is. If you think about it, kid, you’d realize that the book is more important than your petty problems. Now go back to your hell hole of a life, my tennis buddy is waiting for me at the manse. Robin and I need to creepily hold hands and walk out of the studio together while everyone applauds us like rock stars. Focus on us! We’re great. Read our latest publication. It will give you the top ten ideas of how you too can have the best marriage in the world and sell face cream!
When appliances break after a few years. They used to design them in an effort for them to last forever. Now they’re made to be disposable with cheap parts which break easily. I’m taking a stand here. This is wrong. Go back to the old way! I have a refrigerator which is more than thirty years old. I will not unplug it and upgrade to a more aesthetically pleasing unit with more gadgets and capabilities until it rattles off and dies a natural death. The new gadgets will only break.
New car salesman – then the warranty spiel in the back office. Two different beasts. Lady, this is the greatest car ever. You’ll have many happy years driving her around. Have fun! Cut to the next step, sitting in the finance office where they tell you that you’re an idiot if you don’t purchase extended warranties on every single part. Hey, the salesman said this car was engineered to last. Why do I need to invest thousands of dollars to ensure that it does? You’re sucking the joy out of my new car high, finance guy. Hey lady, they don’t make cars like they used to. Do you know how much your iPhone costs and how delicate the computers are? Your new car is made with dozens of these sophisticated, sensitive technologies. It’s not like the old days when everything was more mechanical and made of simple parts. Welcome to the future! At any moment something could go wrong. But probably not until you’re on a desert freeway. Drive at your own risk. Have fun!
Pop-ups where you can’t find the article, or can only read it in tiny bits at a time. Jam-packed with advertising, the eye doesn’t know where to look, or where to click. Often you click on something only to be linked to another site, selling something else. Why do you think this site is effective? Are you in the road rage business?
Vacuum cleaners that stop sucking. Too much pet hair my ass. It’s your job, vacuum. It’s what you were designed for.
Cleaning the jar for recycle with ten gallons of water. We’re not supposed to waste water, but we’re supposed to rinse items out before we toss them in the recycle bin. Cut to me, sticky jelly jar in hand, trying to decide if I should toss the jar in the trash, knowing it will sit in a landfill or become a home to sea-life creatures, or spend a few minutes of my day scrubbing the thing with an enormous amount of water. Choose your guilt!