Have you done the challenge? Go to the Google Machine and enter the words: Florida Man, and your birthday. For example, Florida Man April 28. It’s super fun. Watch what pops up!
It’s like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game. Bizarre and true. Apparently, someone recognized that on any given day of the year, someone in Florida is going bat-shit crazy. If you put in your birthday, then whatever headline was in the news that day captured under Florida Man will be yours!
This is sad, crazy, and oddly thrilling. I have two events pop up on my day. The first involves a Florida man who shot his roommate over cat hair on the couch. I’m not going to read the article yet, I’m just going to react to the headline.
Awesome. And totally relatable. Who doesn’t go crazy over too much pet fur? I can’t think straight when I look around and see fur—in my case, dog fur, covering every surface. Or floating in the air, or lingering on coffee tables, or most especially, gathered in tumbleweed-like balls in specific locations. Always the same locations, too, because of where the vents are located. The fur assembles wherever the air takes it to party.
I’m going to read the article now. Whoa. Holy shit. The guy in the mug shot looks utterly mean. But the thing is, I can’t help laughing because it’s so absurd! Apparently, the 58-year-old man fired in his roommate’s direction and said, “the next one’s going to be you.”
Wow! And the guy is being held without bond, too. That might be for the best.
Now to my second hit! On the same day, another Florida man shot his wife on a “bathroom break,” mistaking her for a burglar. I’m not as jazzed about this one, but let’s break it down before I read the article. Was he in the bathroom? Was she in the bathroom? Was this at home or work related? Because if the incident was in the home, why would they call it a “bathroom break”. Like a scheduled thing? If he was in the bathroom, why did he go in there with a weapon? Was it in his pants pocket around his ankle while he was taking care of business? Did he lunge for the weapon because he heard someone outside the bathroom and shoot through the door? Wait. Did he leave the bathroom door open?
Wait. Was she the one in the bathroom and left the bathroom door open? Did he come charging into the bathroom, weapon drawn thinking someone was using his toilet? My questions are endless for this one. I’ll be back in a moment. I’m going to take a quick break and read the article. Don’t shoot me!
Oooh, okay. The plot thickens and I’m not buying it. It all began for them, earlier in the evening when they “both” thought they heard an intruder. But finding none, they tucked themselves into beddy-bye and went to sleep. Later, the woman had to use the bathroom. Using her phone as a nightlight to find her way back to bed, she enters the bedroom and her sweet hubby shoots her twice.
The couple both agreed on the event lineup. The woman survived, but like I said, I’m not buying it. The guy is lying there, sound asleep, apparently so soundly asleep he doesn’t hear his wife get up or close the bathroom door (did you close it or not, darlin? – hmmm). He doesn’t hear the flush (did she flush? – hmmmm). He wakes up, why? Does he hear the toilet flush? Would a burglar stop his nefarious activities to use the john? Assuming not, the husband doesn’t do a fast hand check beside him for his wife, but instead grabs the gun he must have had near at hand and just opens up. Nope. Not buying it. Something hinky there in gator country.
Here’s another interesting bit. The cat hair shooter was in Winter Park, FL and the toilet shooter was in Winter Garden, FL. Ah hell, now I’ve got to Google that. No. My. God. Both cities are right near Orlando. The home of Disney, tourism, theme parks, excessive heat, and a church on every corner.
What is it with Florida? Or WTF, Florida. Your crazy has been going on forever. Now this game is making it official. The whole country has your number. Literally. Your every day crazy is now a game—like a ride you take a theme park. I’m certain I shouldn’t be so amused, but you’re the one who started it.