Adding to my long list of confessions, this one, sigh, is similar to my last. I’m addicted to another game called Design Home.

According to my stats, I got sucked into this game on New Year’s Eve, 2017. I was either bored, alone, or drunk at a party. Frankly, I don’t recall how the introduction was made. If you haven’t used this app, let me tell you, it’s addictive. Basically, you design rooms.

The structure of the room, the furniture layout, and theme is supplied, and all you have to do is shop through furniture and accessory options to fill it. Each day there are several live challenges and a short window in which to complete it—usually within 1-2 days. The app designers have named each of the challenges and written a short backstory to what the “client” wants. Like a beach house living room, or a trendy loft, or a chic Paris apartment, or an adorable kid’s bedroom. There is a reward for each design. Money—either $500 or $2500 upon completion, and if your design is ultimately scored above a 4.00 you win some piece of furniture to add to your inventory.

Simple enough. The room has bubbles in it which necessitate a particular fill. A sofa here, a chair here, an accent cabinet, a bench, a cocktail table, tall shelves, etc. The challenges can be more exacting with specific requirements from a particular line, but you get the picture.

Come on! Let’s go shopping. Better bring your wallet. Everything is incredibly expensive. At least the good stuff. There are two ways to purchase. Either with money you’ve banked from challenges or from diamonds. They give a small allotment of 500 diamonds free each day, but the diamonds don’t add up quickly. And diamonds, just like the song says, are a girl’s best friend. You need diamonds to shop at the good store. You need diamonds to afford that cute rug and that damn bookcase. So problem one is a lack of cash and diamonds.

Fifteen-Love to Design House. Let’s move on to problem two.

The rooms, quite often, are impossible to tastefully design. The only way to manage a sense of balance with the screaming pink and green-striped wallpaper is to bring in furniture with the same odd, tacky colors. But wait! The pieces in complimentary hues are typically diamond items. Cowinkidink? I think not. Also, if you break down and purchase the oddly hued green or pink couch, you will most likely never want to willingly use it again.

Where are we? Thirty-Love to Design Home.

The next problem is you have to level up to get really good stuff. So you gotta keep spending and playing. The really incredible rooms have furniture and accessories which are unattainable unless you’ve spent a lot of money and blown through the levels.

I’ve spent over $13 million in about 18 months. How is that possible? But wait for it… the top player has spent over $163 million and has played about a year longer than me.

Forty-Love.

The next issue relates to the scoring. A perfect score is 5.00. Anything 4.00 or higher gets the furniture reward for that particular design contest. You can, and are sometimes forced, to vote for other room designs if you want to keep playing. It’s an eye-opening experience to see the other designer’s work. The app pairs up two “random” rooms and you choose the winner. Most of the time, it’s a choice between not who has the best room, but who you want to punish. The designs are incredibly bad. Now I understand why that might be. The designer simply doesn’t have the money to get to the good stuff, so they do their best just to enter the contest. Also, and this is upsetting, kids play this game. So my competition could be a ten-year-old with no taste who is just having a swell time. Whatever, kid. Grow up. Life is a competition. Get out of my way.

So the problem is you cannot win the vote when you are up against someone on a higher level who is willing to spend twice as much as you on a particular design. They are willing to blow through their inventory of money and assets which will cost them a fortune to replace.

My strategy is to just make sure my designs are good enough to attain a 4.00. That way, I get the cash reward for entering, and the furniture reward for getting over a 4.00. What pisses me off, however, is when I score below a 4.00. How is it possible that my design wouldn’t be given at least a 4.00! In the voting room, all I primarily see are really badly designed rooms and occasional superstars. I’m not kidding. It’s totally weird.

Game to Design House. I quit. I’m off to the clubhouse for a cocktail.

Why am I so invested in this! It’s pretend…. or is it? Because, gulp….. I hate to admit this, but you can spend real money to purchase more diamonds so you can purchase fake inventory for your stupid designs. What? Have I sent Design Home actual cash? Yes. God help me, and for once I hope George doesn’t read this blog. In dark moments, or after a terrible day, or if I’m stranded in a long line somewhere, I’ll have a weak moment and effing WANT that piece of art which will look perfect in my room.

I’m positive no one but another player of the game will care about this blog. (With the exception of George). But if you’re out there, you have my sympathies. And that chick or dude that has spent $163 million on the game, I don’t know whether to bow down or send out someone to check on you. How much time do you spend on this? Your most used item cost 6,000 diamonds! You spend like 15,000 in diamond purchases on challenges. How much real cash have you thrown at this game? Are you super rich? Are you a Kardashian? Who are you—competitive German Shepard? (Image supplied by the player). If you read this, get your butler to hand you a towel and come off the beach. Reach out. I’d love to see what makes you tick.

And yes, George, I look forward to our discussion. But remember, in any good marriage, one keeps score. Where are we?

Deuce.