30 Ways to Deal with the Pandemic! A Vexatious Flashback.

I wrote this blog about six months into the quarantine but never published it. Probably because I aspired to a high number of inspiring things to do but depressingly gave up when I couldn’t think of 30. Sad? Yeah. But such was the state of my reality and frame of mind. Reading the list now brings me back to how crazy and lonely life was. There’s a lesson in there somewhere! Not that I’m grateful for any of it, but we shouldn’t forget. I bow to the silver lining. And to the scientists. God bless you.

Everyone is trying to share the best of themselves and how they’re coping by staying active during the quarantine! But it’s driving most of stir-crazy. In fact, I find it harder to be focused and creative knowing that I can’t do anything that I could before. The emotional feeling of satisfaction I got from rewarding myself with a plate of nachos at the end of a long day has been taken away from me. Sure, I still eat the nachos, but I feel more guilty about now than I used to. Because quite a lot of the day, I’ve wasted time being distracted.

Bloggers love to put the enticing lures in their titles, hence the number 30 in this one and the call to action! I give you, my list. Things I do to distract me from the world blowing up.

Look out the window more than you normally do. Look! People walking their dogs! Oh my gosh. Oh good, they seem okay. Oh look, Melanie has lost a shit ton of weight. Wow. Maybe I should walk more. Kids on skateboards, kids on scooters, dads teaching their kids how to ride bikes, dogs, Dogs, DOGS!

Eat dark chocolate sea salt caramels from Costco every single time you glance at the jug in the pantry.

Use the hand-held vacuum and decide to tackle the corners all over the house but then get distracted and lay down to read some old Vanity Fairs. Erase the guilt you didn’t even know you had for not having read all the Proust questionnaires on the back page.

Shower every other day whether you want to or not.

Shop on Amazon for the perfect rug runner for that tricky, high-traffic spot in your house and discover that all the good ones are not the right size. This activity could eat up hours of your time.

Go through boxes of crap in the garage and discover that the weird ten-legged symbol you drew as a youth, along with an actual how-to legend is not worth any money. What? How can that be? Why did you draw that symbol a hundred times and package the drawings in an old cigarette case, Annabelle? What kind of kid dreams about publishing patterns drawn on paper while wearing a Hug a Husky button on their shirt? Keep the cigarette case . . . it’s cool. Also, stumble across a love letter from an old boyfriend and show it to George who sadly only scoffs at the naivety of the young lad who may have loved a different package. Tack love letter from high school paramour onto fridge and dare George to remove it. It’s a beautiful slice of payback every single time he opens the fridge.

Drink more than normal and comfort yourself with adorable YouTube videos of cute, thin moms making a game of it under the ruse of teaching fractions.

Not a waste of time, (sorry, I realize you may lose respect for me for lying to you and giving you something actually good to do, but STFU)! Watch Ken Burns’ American Lives (Amazon Prime). The brilliant, eye-opening, two-part, three-hour episode on Susan B. Anthony and Cady Stanton is best viewed between midnight and 4 am when you can’t reasonably do anything anyway. If you need to leave your bed and get some ice cream before part two plays, it’s okay. At that point, you are so full of wonderment and fucking pride for those women, it washes over your unclean body, and you hardly even notice that you haven’t contributed one trillionth of a percent of what these two courageous and remarkable women did. Go into a peaceful sleep afterward knowing heroes have roamed the planet.

Clean out makeup drawer. I knooowwww it’s hard to look at the alllll the makeup you bought that you only used a few times, but come on, just do it. Even if you stumble upon a practically unused set of beautiful fall eyeshadow colors from Lancôme’s 2015 line, toss it, girl. Later, you can eat ice cream in bed. Wait, which part is a waste of time?

Stone yet another empty liquor bottle from the craft stockpile purchased from Michaels. You never know what corner of the house needs a little extra tacky or cool light. Wait! Think of this! What if actual people come over and begin to admire your multi-colored stoned Ketle One bottles with twinkle lights inside. Will they like you better? I see girl hugs and undying devotion on the horizon!

Start a Twitter war with a complete stranger. Make it annoyingly polite, deferential, but biting. Have fun with it! 😊 (JK – folks – Gawd, I can’t believe I have to tell you I’m kidding! Stop annoying me or I’ll begin the war right here.)

Spend real cash money paying for more tokens to play pointless video games like Toy Blast and Toon Blast. Feel shame later.

Set up the garage with a hundred candles to celebrate Mother’s Day then tearfully social distance with your children. No reason the dirty garage can’t look like a creepy palace. And bonus . . .no messy mascara streaks from your tears will be seen because you gave up wearing makeup or pretending to care!

Floss. Even if the effort cuts into your chapped-from-overwashing fingers and makes them bleed. Hero points found here.

Purchase clothes from Chicos without a coupon. You may temporarily feel like an idiot for doing it, but damn, is there anything better than a new pair of jeans and a cute top?

Put on your new cute top. While feeling sassy, or drunk, purchase 15 sets of multi-colored stretchy bracelet sets from Zulily. Glow with the thought of being able to have just the right accessory for any color outfit you choose! And they really make the mask pop! Warning. They can get annoyingly wet when you wash your hands a hundred times a day. And angrily ripping them off while cursing a blue streak can lead to breakage.

Get the Tik Tok app and . . . I’m sorry. What day is it?

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